Tag Archives: Marketing

Bastards and Liars

Posted by anachostic on April 14, 2020 No comments

Guess who stopped at my house again? Spectrum. This is the third time they have done this. And boy did I let them hear it.

But the guy didn’t back down. He stood his ground and as a good salesperson should do, he tried to get me to say something positive, because when you say positive things, your mood becomes more positive. And additionally, the more you can keep the person talking to you, even if they’re bitching at you, it’s still engagement and there’s still a chance to turn it around. Smart guy.

But he’s a fucking liar. I told him the first reason I wasn’t going to switch, as I’ve said here before. I’m with a company that has caused me no problems and he wants me to switch to a company that I’ve never dealt with. Then I gave him #2, which is that Spectrum doesn’t offer the speeds that FIOS does. That’s when he shut me up.

You see, while Spectrum doesn’t offer synchronous upload/download speeds, they do offer speeds that exceed what I currently have. The one he pitched me was the 400/200 plan. He said there was another plan, the gigabit option that was, I think 1gig up/500 down. Well, that’s curious, I’d never heard of those plans before. But to get that much upload speed must be super expensive, judging by how much the normal lopsided plans were.

He said he would be quick and just give me the numbers and be gone, which I appreciated. He sidetracked a bit on a cable package, which I wasn’t interested in, but he didn’t care. So it was about $55/mo for the 400/200 package and $88 for that, plus the cable package. Huh…

As he was finishing up, I asked him if it was possible to put my house on a do-not-visit list. He said maybe. He would put a note in the system, which I doubt has had any effect the previous two times. He also gave me their customer service number that might be able to do it. And he left.

After cooling down a little bit, I took his card with the illegible writing on the back and went in search of these internet plans I’d never heard of. Guess what? They don’t exist. The 400/200 plan he was telling me? It’s 400/20, and it’s priced at $70/mo on their website. The gigabit plan? It’s 940/35 and costs $110/mo. You fucking liar.

Can you imagine if I wasn’t adamant about telling Spectrum to get the fuck off my property? That he could have convinced me to switch to a 400/200 plan that would be over twice as fast as what I had now? How, after discovering this lie, what kind of bullshit I’d have to go through to reinstate Frontier? You fucking bastard.

News You Make Fake

Posted by anachostic on January 10, 2020 No comments

In my phone’s news feed, there are some headlines that I know are pure clickbait and more times than I’m willing to admit to, I’ve clicked them. The grand offender of this scam is a website, Alternative Nation, which seems to specialize in rock music gossip, a total tabloid trash website.

To get an idea of how bad they really are, I went directly to their site and did some browsing. Because they appear to be a blogging platform, I simply appended /feed to their domain and I was able to get an RSS feed of their latest articles, which I loaded into Outlook for some cleaner review.

Here’s an example of how this bullshit works. Eddie Van Halen has been rumored to be in poor health for a very long time. So what the editors at AN do is create a headline that suggests EVH’s health has taken a turn for the worse. An example would be: Eddie Van Halen Family Leaks Terrible ‘Skinny’ Photo. (The subject of the post is not EVH, but his wife. The photo is not of EVH or his wife, but of a random skinny person who is representative of her weight loss goals. Not a leak, not terrible.)

Another broader method they use is to exploit the perceived depravity of rock bands. Motley Crue, Aerosmith, KISS are all prime targets here. The trick is to take something completely simple or innocent and twist the words so your brain thinks it’s something dirty or horrible. It’s your fault and when you figure it out after reading the article, you might be mad at AN for tricking you like that, but again, you know you’re to blame for reading too much into the headline. Some examples:

KISS Singer Paul Stanley Leaks Creepy ‘Feet’ Photo – It’s a picture of him wearing KISS branded Puma shoes. No leak, no feet, no creepy.
Steven Tyler Girlfriend Reveals ‘Worst’ Drug Used – A brief mention about listening to music while on acid. "Worst" does not get used in the article.
John Lennon Sad ‘Licking’ Claim Finally Revealed – "Lick" as in "guitar lick", no tongues. Sad, indeed!

The headlines have some go-to words: "sad", "disturbing", "terrible", "stuns", "caught". But those words are probably part and parcel of any tabloid editor’s toolkit. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if there was a utility that could re-write an article replacing all normal-strength adjectives with hyped-up, over-the-top versions. The only difference between these articles and printed tabloid stories is the lack of exclamation marks.

But you know, it’s all for the clicks. These "editors" subscribe to celebrities’ social media, then attempt to build an article on a single statement. A single statement isn’t much to work with, but with some clever wordsmithing, at least the article will generate a page view and some ad views. That’s all that matters anymore.

Upgrade Your Misery Today!

Posted by anachostic on December 31, 2019 No comments

Here’s the banner for an email I recently got:

Quicken and WillMaker. Two products that go so well together. One makes you want to die and the other helps you be prepared for that moment. It all works together: Customer Service (I want to kill myself), “put your life on hold”, 2012, Quicken.

You couldn’t ask for a more cohesive piece of marketing.

And this is pretty good as well. The point of the email is “Improved Customer Service is Now FREE²”, with the footnote “Valid for 2012 Quicken customers only and available for a limited time; subject to change without notice.” So, what I gather from this is: Quicken used to charge for good customer service, but now they are doing what they should always have been doing. They won’t do it forever, though. They won’t tell you when they’re going to go back to the same old crappy customer service (it’ll just kinda start happening), and you still have to pay for it by buying the 2012 version. In other words, business has dropped off and no one is calling our support lines because they either have left us or have learned to deal with the existing bugs in Quicken. That means our support staff can help you better until enough people buy the 2012 version and swamp us with new bug reports.

And they are still pretty much the only game in town.

Opening The Worm Can

Posted by anachostic on October 18, 2019 No comments

You know what’s really weird? There’s a shitload of people in the world and yet, every business fights tooth and nail and scrambles over each other to get you as a customer. You’d think there would be enough for everyone, but when you slow down and consider it, there really is never enough money for some.

So, here we go. I’m opening myself up to attack. I’m going to purchase a new car. You can visualize a million people leaping to their feet with offers and pleas and vague promises. Hold on, guys. I know exactly which car I want already. Now there’s about 2/3 of the people standing, even more excited that they made the first cut. And as I work further in the process, the number of potential winners decreases and their manic attitude intensifies.

Some of the people clamoring for attention right from the start have never sat down at all. Those people are the money people. Buying a new car in cash is a rare occurrence, for those with excellent foresight and planning. The majority of people are going to finance a car at varying levels of, shall we say, danger. The more dangerous the loan, the more money for those that get and keep your attention. So, the money people are relentless right from the start.

I’m currently at the point that I have a car chosen and secured and now it’s time to begin the finance dance. I consider myself in pretty good shape financially, on many fronts. I have a top-tier credit score and I keep all my credit reports frozen. But now I have to unfreeze my accounts – let down the drawbridge – in order to get approval for this new loan.

When I froze my accounts, I had to pay to do so. Now all of that is free. So unfreezing the accounts was surprisingly easy and quick. Maybe it wouldn’t have been if I wasn’t such a stickler on data and didn’t have my unfreeze PINs immediately handy. Or maybe if I moved around a lot and had different verification data points. But in the end, I have my accounts unfrozen for a few days now. Come at me, bro.

Since this is like a solar eclipse-type of moment for me, I decided to take advantage of it. I went to Credit Karma and checked out what sort of auto loans I could be eligible for. I was pitched Capital One and Bank Of America – both of which I already had credit cards with. The broker that was assisting me with the car purchase said the best I could get a loan for was 3.5%. Credit Karma told me BoA could get me a loan for 3.29%. Ok, let’s try it. So I went to Bank of America’s site (affiliate linked from Credit Karma, so they get a spiff) and filled out the application. It was pretty easy since they pulled a lot of my info from my existing account. And sure enough, I was now pre-approved for a loan at 3.29%.

Well, that was easy. Addictingly easy. I tried the Capital One offer from Credit Karma and was highly disappointed. CapOne said, yeah, sure, you’re approved for a loan up to $60k (WTF!), but there was no mention of rate or term. That’s absolutely useless to me.

While still in eclipse mode, I made the poor decision to try out LendingTree. You’d figure that a company with so much name recognition would be fully on the up-and-up. Well, no. I did their “quick and easy” application, which asked enough questions to be a full credit application. And let me tell you. It was BULLSHIT that they structured the questions in a way that made it look like it would be a non-intrusive questionnaire, but as it went on, it got more and more personal and you’re like, “I’ve already gone this far, this should be the last question. It can’t get more invasive that this.” But, you see it to the end and you’ve essentially given them everything to fill in a complete credit app.

So LendingTree then sends that information to their partners and gives you results. I got something like three offers with rates of 5-7%, which was infuriating and insulting. Then, below the firm offers, were a few that said, “we need more information – click to complete the application” And being pissed about the shitty offers I initially got, I wanted to see if this shittiness was universal. So I clicked one named Autobytel.

To be honest, I don’t remember the results of that, and since I don’t remember, it couldn’t have been anything worthy of mention. But here’s what is worth mentioning. I’m now in spam hell. I’m getting emails and texts from lenders and dealers. They still think I’m car shopping, so they all have people ready to help me find my next car. All of you – fuck off! If there is a positive to any of this, at least all of the places LendingTree sold me out to all use the same unique email address I provided in my application, so I can shut them all down at my mail server in one go. The text messages and (probably soon coming) phone calls, I will just have to block as they come in.

So now, what did that whole exercise get me? Well, on the plus side, I do have a competitive loan rate that I can use to bargain with the dealership. On the negative side, I have a bunch of new email and phone buddies I’m not thrilled about. And a little later, I can see what kind of change to my credit score all this experimentation caused. I am curious about that because supposedly multiple inquiries of a certain type (auto loan in this case) shouldn’t have the same effect as if they were multiple inquiries of multiple types.

The Mission

Posted by anachostic on June 18, 2019 No comments

What are your thoughts when you read a company’s mission statement? On first blush, it usually reads like bullshit. It’s usually a bunch of feel-good words with a touch of fake humility and naïve optimism. Mission statements are an easy target for people who want to attack a company for not fulfilling any promise they may or may not have explicitly made.

Who is the mission statement made for? Cynics would say it’s for the owners and executives to make them feel like they’re changing the world. Less cynical people would say it’s for the employees of the company to be inspired and motivated to do their best for the company – working for a higher good. And then some people think it’s part of the company’s marketing strategy.

I was following a box truck for a company that had that particular viewpoint. On the back of the truck, covering the entirety of the door, it read.

Our mission is to fulfill the specific needs of each customer by offering quality product, exceptional customer service and exemplifying Jesus Christ in every facet of business and life.

I have many issues with this. First, I don’t believe a mission statement is a marketing statement. Can you tell what business they are in? No? So, there’s your marketing success. Then, the statement is so generic, it wouldn’t even inspire an employee or even an owner. Every company wants to offer the best product and service, right? Then, there’s the obvious. You are putting your religious beliefs in your company’s mission statement. Since there is nothing else differentiating your mission statement from any other company, and you are choosing to use your mission statement as marketing, your business proposition boils down to, “Do business with us because we are Christian.” That’s about as compelling as saying, “Do business with us because we’re white.” Oh wait a minute, that doesn’t make my point at all.

My primary point is that this is a dumb use of advertising space on your company vehicle, unless you feel the need to remind your employees of what they are working for every time they close the truck door. What is their goal? Be like Jesus. No pressure, guys, just try to be the son of God while you’re on the clock. And off the clock, too. You did notice that little bit in our mission statement, didn’t you?

UberBastards

Posted by anachostic on June 17, 2019 No comments

I just got a piece of spam mail, to my Uber email address. I don’t recall saying I was ok with that.

The email is sketchy as fuck. A company name of “Opinion Research”? None of the proper CAN-SPAM hallmarks like indicating what email address this was sent to, or why it was sent. Only because I use unique addresses for every account, do I know this came from my Uber signup.

The survey is run by Qualtrics, which doesn’t mean much, since they’re just a survey platform, like SurveyMonkey. This company has their own subdomain, opinionresearch.co1.qualtrics.com, so they’re at least somewhat legit (as legit as it looks so far).

As you see in the email screenshot, I did click to unsubscribe, which I thought would bring me to a page asking if I was sure. It didn’t, it just took me off that list. and it gave me another link to unsubscribe from all lists. ALL lists? How many have I been put on?

It’s really not a big deal. If I see that my Uber address suddenly gets spammed, I’ll shut it off and create a new one. But really, the point is, Uber has sold me out. Those mother fuckers.

Then, I clicked on the privacy policy. In bold type, in very simple to understand language:

No fucking thank you. Recall what the original email said, “…will not be used to sell you anything.” However, they will tailor the ads you see to the information you have given to them, then will ask you why they were or were not effective, so they can try harder next time. What is this world coming to?

As a recent implementer of Pi-Hole (maybe a future post on that), this wouldn’t have worked at all for me anyway because my entire network is actively ad-blocked. Suck my dick, Opinion Research!

Marketing 101

Posted by anachostic on September 5, 2018 No comments

There is an idiom from the the 1800’s: “hang out one’s shingle” which means to put out a sign saying you’re open for business. I suppose that was a sufficient way of doing things when the world was small and everyone you knew was right around you. Plus, there was much less competition back then, too. You had your town doctor, lawyer, barber, woodworker, etc.

That is not the world anymore. Now there is much more competition and you must stand out from the others that would take your business. You should always put your best foot forward (another idiom) to represent your business.

So why, why, why, do people make hard-drawn signs for their business? Specifically, I am referring to a sign I saw over the weekend that gave me the chills.

IMG_20180902_145846

That’s not the only time I’ve seen something like that, but it’s the worst example of its kind. Now, aside from the spray paint stencil lettering that looks nothing like blood splatter, there’s the important information, like contact info. It’s written in tiny letters cramped along the bottom. How are you supposed to read that from your car?

Then there is the issue of legitimacy. If you can’t see it, the sign says they are “License”, complete with quotation marks. I don’t know if it’s worse that they don’t know that the correct term is “licensed” (which, btw, I followed a truck this morning that said “License and Insured”) or that they don’t know that putting things in quotes makes those things questionable. In either case, I don’t think I would trust their intelligence to supervise children.

But let’s recap the idea of hanging out your shingle. I’ve been involved in some business ventures. It’s not easy; I’m not cut out for it. But, I think if you’re going to go into business, you have an obligation to everyone to be professional. You know, that sign on the side of the road doesn’t only represent you, it represents all of your customers as well.

Let’s say you personally don’t have an issue sending your kid to a place whose signage suggests it is a house of horror. And if someone asks you for a recommendation, you say they have the sign out by the stop light down the road. That person’s impression of blood-sign marketing may be disgust, which then alters their opinion of you. As they say, you will be known by the company you keep. Always align yourself with reputable associations.

If you’re going to go into business, do it right, or please don’t do it at all.

Junk

Posted by anachostic on August 9, 2018 No comments

A quick recap of my life in my house. I bought the house with my then-fiancee in 2005. We got married, then divorced in 2010. I took full ownership of the house in 2016, and that was the end of that. But you know what refuses to end? My ex’s mail.

Mail is a pretty well-protected delivery medium, in theory. In practice, it’s hardly protected at all, with theft and whatnot. But anyway, you’re technically not allowed to do anything with another person’s mail. And for a very long time, I was living alone in my house, with all my ex’s mail still being delivered. I filled up five large garbage bags of her mail for her to collect when she would return. As you would expect, nothing came of that.

And even after the house became mine, she never filled out a change of address form, so I continued to get her mail. Technically, I can’t throw it away. Technically, I can’t contact the sender and tell them to stop sending to this address. Technically, I can’t fill out a change of address form on her behalf. There’s really only one allowed course of action: Return To Sender.

So back in April, I finally took action and purchased a rubber stamp:

And I have dutifully been stamping every piece of her mail and putting it back in the mailbox to be sent back. A couple of days after I started this, I got some pieces of that mail back (with my stamp on them!) and I learned this can happen because the automated postal systems read the barcode below the address for delivery. So I started blacking out the barcode with a sharpie. And since then, the mail has been tapering off.

The mail coming in could be classified as three levels of importance. The top level would include bank statements and government correspondence, like the State Department of Revenue (you have no idea). These mailings stopped after the very first return to sender stamp, as you would expect them to. The next level would be things like bill collectors (you have no idea). These did stop after being returned, but it’s also a game of whack-a-mole because there’s always some new collections company buying up old debts. So, I may be living with these for some time. The lowest level is presorted junk mail. These have been sent back countless times and it’s very difficult to get them to stop. I hope they will at some point. My guess is they just throw all the returned pieces into a bin and process the addresses whenever they have some free time. And most larger companies have multiple independent lists, so each department has to get a returned piece and process it at their leisure.

I’m hoping to get to the point of zero mail for that addressee, but you know, there will always be the companies that sneak it in with “…or Current Resident”. Maybe that’s what they mean with the “’til death do you part” stuff. They’re referring to junk mail. But even that’s not true. I get mail addressed to her dead father, too! “Not at this address”, indeed!

Yay, Someone Did It!

Posted by anachostic on November 3, 2016 No comments

Check out my post from March, 2008. Yes, 2008. Someone finally implemented this.

BackerKit, after filling in your information, allows you generate a post bragging about what you just did. and they offer selectable values for key elements.

This allows someone to be themselves and also capture some data about the experience.

You’re welcome, BackerKit. Believe it or not, I have an entire document somewhere discussing the entire business case for doing this and how the results can be calculated and analyzed. There’s even a prototype website with an entire functional database structure. Ah, if I only had a lot more free time and even more motivation.

A Good Idea Made Better

Posted by anachostic on September 12, 2016 No comments

Driving to work today, I saw a dumpster truck for the disposal/moving company, College Hunks Hauling Junk. It made me wonder how that name came to be. Maybe the original founders were considered hunks and were in college and decided to haul junk to make money. It makes me wonder if the founders approached other college kids and offered them a job on the premise that they would get paid for essentially working out. You get paid and you maintain your “hunk” status. Sounds like a win-win.

Well times have changed, so I’m going to create the next iteration of this business model. I call it: Middle-aged Shitheads Being Crossfit-heads. And I already have the commercial planned out. But the pitch to the potential employees is still the same. They can get paid while doing their ridiculous exercises.

We open the commercial with old, large, grouchy moving men slowly moving pieces of furniture from a house to a truck. “When you’re moving, you understand that time is a crucial factor. Why be held up when your moving company moves like a glacier?”

Switch the scene to a few thin, ripped people (men and women!) in crazy-tight spandex dashing back and forth between the truck and house with household items. The difference is, in the true crossfit standard, the items are just chucked into the back of the truck. You see, the focus is on speed, not quality.

The subsequent scenes reinforce the absurdity of applying crossfit to moving. Boxes and completely unpacked articles piled up in the back of the truck; someone pitching clothes from a pile like a dog burrowing in the ground; someone struggling with a heavy item and two or three others crowded around him shouting at him to “finish it” instead of helping out; a couch being flipped end over end through the house out to the truck; gratuitous celebrations after moving a box. You get the point. The commercial could get lengthy.

At the end of the commercial, there would be a teaser for a sister company, Shithead Servant Services, which specializes in personal household services, like handyman (cue scene of hanging a picture with truck tire and sledgehammer), gardening (scene of “battle-roping” with hoses – or fire hoses), and carrying groceries inside (Guys looking at grocery bags in truck. “It’s at least two sets of Gurpals!” “AUUGH! I HATE GURPALS!!” “Oh wait, these are going to be Durkels.” “YEAAHH! I LOVE DURKELS!!!” Guys then hauling in all bags at once, then obviously celebrating on completion.)

I’ll be rich.

Anachostic