I’ve heard the warnings. I’ve read about the myths. They say a vampire can’t enter your house unless invited, and one would surmise the same would apply to robots. But I have added a new automatron to my brood, without consulting its natural-born enemies, the cats. It’s a new Roomba, my future Terminator.
Since I’ve recently replaced all the carpet in my house with laminate, I now have all hard-surface floors, which is a virtual playground for a Roomba. I’ve considered buying a roboto vacuumo a few times in the past, but, damn, they were expensive. Now, it seems you can get the older tech pretty cheaply, so I was able to justify the purchase based on the lack of interest I had in cleaning my floors and the amount of stuff that was on the floors.
With two cats, the biggest things I have to deal with are: cat hair, cat litter and the dust that comes with it, and shredded cardboard from their scratchers. I suppose I shed a lot of hair, too. But, without kids or dogs, I don’t really have to deal with wet things: puke, slobber, drinks. So a Roomba to pick up all the dry items blowing around like tumbleweeds is perfect for me.
But, back to the idea of extinction. I’m certainly not afraid of robots killing us off. Even watching Boston Dynamics nightmare videos doesn’t do it. I have no fear because really, robots actually suck pretty bad. I mean, they work, but they’re in no way autonomous. It’s also why I will never own a self-driving car in my lifetime. Autopilot? Mmmm hmmm. Sure.
My first experience with the Roomba was when I set up the charging base and set the vac down on it. It lit up and started charging. I went off to read the manual and I heard something talking. The robot was talking to me. I have no idea what it said, but when I came back, it was blinking a couple of lights at me. They looked like alert and battery lights. I assumed it was because the battery was run-out dead and needed to get an initial charge, but an hour later, they were still blinking. I pushed some buttons and it spoke to me again. “Charging error 1!” Ok. Research says this could mean a failed battery or a poorly-seated battery. I took the vac apart – and to iRobot’s credit, this is extremely easy – and pulled the battery and reseated it. The Roomba was now charging.
My next experience was when it was on its maiden voyage around the house. I was satisfied with how it was behaving and the cats were generally spooked by the same. I went out to dinner and in line for my food, I get a message on my phone. “Clean roller brush!” Yeah, this vacuum can complain to me remotely. How wonderful. Since I’m away from the house, I am unable to serve my robot’s demands and have to wait until I get home. I find that the little death machine has sucked up a washcloth and became inoperable. I’m so worried for my life.
The last experience of the night was when I was winding down for bed and the Roomba was wandering around under the watchful eye of the little cat. I heard it bumping into things over and over and over. I looked across the house to see it had gone into the bathroom and shut the door, trapping itself in the room. I’m sure the floor is pretty clean in there now, but again, I’m not worried that robots are going to figure out every potential way a door can be blocked in order to get through.
And that’s my first night with my new Roomba, the T-671.
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