Things I Can Do Without

Whether my newest CD finds are 80’s pop (Phil Collins) or 80’s metal (Mercyful Fate), I am constantly irritated by shitty lyrics.  It could explain my preference for instrumental music.  The two previously mentioned examples have shitty lyrics for completely different reasons, but most of my gripes are with pop music.  Last night was Loverboy and I think I pulled a muscle rolling my eyes so much.

At the top of my hate list for shitty lyrics is rhyming girl with world.  I’m not a huge fan of near rhymes anyways, but this combo just really grates on me.  It’s not like there aren’t other options, even if they are somewhat weird.  “Curls” and “pearl” (both Rick Springfield) or “unfurl” (XTC) are somewhat daring choices to rhyme with “girl”, but whenever I hear “girl” in a song, I will sing along and try my damnedest to fit in the most superior rhyme: squirrel.  You should try it too.

She was… an American squirrel.

This has to be a well-known substitution, but anyway… It’s shitty that so many songs want to talk about love, but the options for rhyming with love are terrible.  You know them all: shove, dove, above.  There you go.  Instead, just start changing the word love to drug or drugs (drug if using love as a verb, drugs if noun).  It is a universal replacement.

Another sore point for me is how songwriters completely do not get the concept of “forever”.  Forever is a long time, and even if the song says that line specifically, it’s still not accurate.  Forever is forever, long after everything in the universe has died.  And you want tonight to last that long?  You’re insane, buddy. You’re going to wait that long?  It’s impossible.

Along with forever is the reference to eyes.  Oooh, eyes are the window to the soul.  So expressive!  So vulnerable!  Yeah, well, notice how often songwriters will use 3 beats when talking about eyes: “in your eyes”, “in my eyes”, “sultry eyes”, back door eyes”, “(dun) (dun)… eyes”.  Here’s a game changer for you.  Next time in your car playing secret karaoke with the lame pop music blaring, substitute any of these three-beat phrases with “penis size” and see how often it fits.  Try it now.

It took so long to realize/I see you now through your lies/There’s got to be more to love than…


  1. I come home in the morning light
    Walking down the driveway and I’m given a fright
    Pelted by nuts and seeds, I have to run
    Cause squirrels, they wanna have fun
    Oh squirrels just want to have fun

    Tap on the window in the middle of the night
    My husband yells from where did that rodent get a knife?
    Oh hubby dear, at least it’s not a gun
    Cause squirrels, they wanna have fun
    Oh squirrels just want to have

    That’s all they really wa-a-a-a-a-ant
    Some fu-u-u-u-u-un
    When larder hoard-ing is done
    Oh squirrels, they wanna have fun
    Oh squirrels just wanna have fun

    Sometimes you see a cute little squirrel
    And he’s hiding nuts away from the rest of the world
    Don’t drop your guard, the war’s only just begun
    Oh squirrels they wanna have fun
    Oh squirrels just wanna have “fun”