Checkpoint II

My hair stylist is observant.  The last time I went in to get my hair cut, she asked, “Are you losing weight? You’re looking skinny.”  I hesitated and said, yes, I was.  Then she asked something peculiar: “On purpose?” And I paused again and decided to be honest.  “Not really.”

I don’t talk about my health much at all, because no one wants to be around someone who’s going to depress them.  I’m explained before that I am an uncontrolled diabetic by choice, just living out my life and facing the repercussions.  I am fortunate enough to be around people who respect my choice and don’t badger me or try to have me committed.

Looks like I last discussed this about a year and a half ago.  So what’s life been like since then?  Well, I had plateaued on weight loss for quite some time, but that seems to have had a breakout recently.  Not much fat on me at all, so it’s starting to eat some muscle.  That makes a pretty obvious physical change, I guess.

If I had to describe the overall experience, it’s just like aging faster.  My hair is getting a little thinner, but who knows if that’s just hereditary?  I’m losing weight, like an old person does.  I’m slowing down.  But, I am still enjoying life, or rather, I’m appreciating it more.  Choice between working extra hard to please the boss and get a promotion or getting out of work right on time and relaxing with a book at home?  No-brainer.  So, in some ways, I’m acting older, too.

It doesn’t mean I’m just kicking back and waiting to die.  I still fund my retirement accounts.  I still save money.  And I’m still learning new things to help me in my career.  My curiosity and quest for understanding is not diminishing.  I believe when you stop being useful, that is when life is over.  You hear it many times from people, when they don’t feel useful, they don’t care about life.  So, become knowledgeable.  Be the most informed about anything and keep yourself relevant.  It doesn’t even matter if you become homeless.  Be the best trash, can, and bottle recycler in your area.  Take pride in what you know.

I’ve read plenty of warnings about diabetes being a slow and painful death.  Pain-wise, I guess it’s ramping up a little since my last report.  I get random sharp pains here and there, which certainly wouldn’t be normal.  It’s usually at night and usually in my legs or feet, but I’ve had it in my forearms, hands, and even my dick.  Yuuuup.

Despite pain, how’s life?  It’s pretty darn good.  I’m not immobile.  I can get around with all but the most active.  Stamina is a little lower, but then again, I’m not getting out and hiking like I used to either.  I don’t really let myself get depressed for very long.  It comes and goes.  And so does everything.  I guess it’s probably a tell-tale symptom, having peaks and valleys of energy, clarity, and mood.  But I’m ok with it.  One thing that seems a bit persistent is my disconnected-ness.  I get lost in thought a lot lately.  It seems I would be pretty ok with being alone all the time.

At one time, I considered creating a more detailed blog or journal of my symptoms and condition for anyone curious about living uncontrolled.  Maybe it would be used as a warning for those who were unsure of what to do.  I decided against it.  Mostly because it would cause me to have to focus on the minor setbacks or troubles that I face each week instead of just living my life and doing the best that I can.  You won’t hear me complain (much) and I won’t regret my choices.  I certainly am not going to blame anyone else for the results of my choices.

And life goes on.

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