Ahhh.  I just had a great meal, and I cooked it myself.

I hear you now.  “What?  Mr. I-eat-fast-food-three-meals-a-day-and-somehow-keep-living… cooks?”  That’s right.  And on top of that, I’m good at it.  No, I’m awesome at it.  I know this because I eat what i cook, and I’m one picky bastard, so my cooking must be awesome in order to meet my standards.  Tonight it was a simple, fairly healthy meal of steak and rice.  Ok, chopped steak and rice.  Ok, it was actually hamburger and rice, only it was made so awesome it could have been steak.

Some of you might be saying, “Rice?  that’s so bland and boring.” or “I can’t eat rice, they look like maggots.”  Well, if you were eating with me, you’d be eating it because I make it right.  And I’m going to share the recipe.  There’s a special ingredient you might need to go to the store to buy, but it’s worth it.  Now, here’s the ingredient list:

  • 2 cups Rice
  • 1/4 stick of butter

Yeah, I know.  It’s awesome.  You people who think you have a bowl of maggots in front of you aren’t going to complain when that larvae is coated in a thick layer of butter.  And rice is boring?  Try eating my rice with chopsticks.  That’ll keep you busy.  And thanks to the wondrous power of butter, it’s awesome.

Now, the entree: steak/burger/whatever.  There is a special art to seasoning beef before cooking it.  I’ve seen plenty of marinades, rubs, and spices, but I know what I like.  After all, I eat at Outback and Longhorn enough to get a taste of good seasoning.  So, here’s my custom seasoning blend for my burgers:

  • Salt

If I wasn’t already employed, I’d be opening my own restaurant.  I’m saying, it’s that good.

I remember when I first moved out and had never cooked for myself before.  It could be the reason why I eat out all the time.  But anyway, I took the time and mastered the art of cooking.  All you people who say “I’ve never cooked.  I can’t even cook a burger.  Fire scares me.”  Here’s my step-by-step instructions to cooking a burger:

  1. Shut up
  2. Buy a George Foreman grill
  3. Cook a burger

I was going to write a book on this special technique, but figured the information is better in the public domain.  If you fail to cook your burger properly, simply follow the directions again.  Pay close attention to the first step – it’s the most critical.  If you can’t get a good burger after five attempts.  Throw all your George Foreman grills away and just disregard steps 2 and 3.

I’ll have to take the time someday to explain the killer grilled cheese sandwiches I make, but I’ll close with a tip on making tea drinkable.  If you don’t like tea, it’s because you don’t have enough sugar in it.  It’s that simple.  In fact, I’ll bet you can eat concrete if you have enough butter, salt and sugar available.


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