Tag Archives: humor - Page 2

Quotes Considered

Posted by on January 26, 2015 No comments

“If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.”

That would be pretty damn unfair if the deal ended up as 90% worst and 10% best.  I think maybe the counteroffer should be: “I deserve a partner whose mean demeanor is at least 75% of the theoretical positive maximum.”

“It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.”

Anything is an answer to something, and everyone has at least one question.  So it’s not so much a matter of knowing some questions or some or all of the answers, but the mapping between the two.

“The way to write American music is simple. All you have to do is be an American and then write any kind of music you wish.”

I think Americans do this with just about everything.  Look at American Apparel, American Express, and American Eagle Outfitters.  Do something and put “American” in front of it and you have patriotic profits!

“Avoid the crowd. Do your own thinking independently. Be the chess player, not the chess piece.”

There are a shitload of shitty chess players now.  They’ve created their own rules and defined the pieces differently, so they are incompatible with modern, proper, intelligent chess players.

“All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.”

Clearly coined by a non-programmer who doesn’t understand garbage-in, garbage-out.  However, I will give props to the analogy since the term “series reboot” in film has become fairly mainstream.  Maybe all playwrights are programmers and all audiences are lousy computers.

“Even with the best of maps and instruments, we can never fully chart our journeys.”

No duh.  You need to have a destination in mind before you start a journey.

“Shoot for the moon, and even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.”

Space is huge and empty.  There is no “landing” if you miss the moon.  You will be adrift forever in an empty void.  If you are shooting for the moon, you need to be insanely precise.

Hidden Windows Features

Posted by on April 2, 2013 No comments

Windows 8 has gotten a lot of press, mostly negative, for the Metro Start screen and the lack of the traditional Start menu.  In all that debate and discussion of the pros and cons of the new design, a few obscure features that are new to Windows 8 have been overlooked,  These new functions show that Microsoft continues to innovate and improve the Windows product.  Some features may not be available in all Windows versions, so your experience may be different when attempting to use these.

Morse Code Entry

This functionality was added to Windows in response to a demand for increased security, especially in the military space.  A recent news story discussed how the US government was investing in major upgrades, including Windows 8.  The Morse Code Entry (MCE) system is designed to allow secure data entry for sensitive communications.

One of the most effective ways to steal information on a computer is to install a key-logger application.  These applications capture each keystroke and store it to a file for later retrieval.  This means username and passwords that are typed in are captured, along with emails, chats, URLs, and all other typed in data.  MCE defeats this by allowing text entry using Morse code.  Open up Notepad and begin a message by pressing the . key as you would on a Morse transmitter.  Windows detects the patterns and converts the dots and dashes to characters for display.  The keylogger simply records a series of periods, with no timing information between them to indicate a dot or dash.  The keylogger has been defeated.

Internet History Sync

This feature was added for US markets, but ironically was requested by some specific governments in Asia.  The simple description of the new service is that all Internet addresses accessed by a Windows 8 computer are synchronized with a central server.  It’s like your normal Internet History in IE or Chrome, but extending system-wide.  By default, this data is transmitted to a facility in an undisclosed location, operated by an unknown organization, but Microsoft is quick to point out that the data is secure and there is nothing to worry about.

From a technical perspective, this feature was extremely easy to implement, since all DNS resolution occurs in a system module.  Initial reports show little to no performance impact from this enhancement.  Although it can’t be confirmed, this feature may not be new for Windows 8, but may just be getting announced with this version.

Subliminal Mechanics Framework (SMF)

For developers, this new framework API is long-awaited.  It provides a way to inject messages into the video output that are only perceived at a subliminal level.  Most computer monitors operate at 60hz and higher, so displaying an image or a message for one of those frames would hardly be noticeable.

According to the API documentation, SMF is a great tool for any of the following:

  • Display motivational messages to keep the user working
  • Display religious messages to inspire a user
  • Display corporate messages to improve worker loyalty
  • Display “targeted” advertisements to improve sales
  • Display messages of national importance to improve compliance

SMF is currently only active when using Metro applications, which explains the urgency to deprecate all classic Windows desktop applications and replace them with Metro versions.

Internet Simplification

If you are unable to find any information on these new features on any other blog or news source, then Internet Simplification (IS) is enabled on your Windows computer.  This enhancement is being back-ported with each update to Microsoft software.  So although it’s new with Windows 8, it’s not exclusive to Windows 8.  The purpose of this application is to make the Internet easier to navigate by reducing the number of sites that have redundant information.

The Internet Simplification service leverages the search results from the Bing search engine and will redirect a web browser to the best (or first) source for the information being searched.  Since this blog post is the first source to discuss these new Windows features, it will be considered “authoritative” by IS, and will be redirected to, regardless of what search engine originally performed the search.  It’s also possible that this whole post is bullshit, but the IS service has been through a few revisions already, so the chances of a bullshit posting being flagged as authoritative by IS are pretty slim.

Driver Formula

Posted by on March 10, 2010 No comments

I think I’ve come up with a formula to determine the assholosity of any driver on a highway.  The formula is simply:

x*abs(y-z)

Where x is the number of lane changes per mile, y is the average speed of the driver, and z is the average speed of the rest of traffic.  Spoken, the formula is: the number of lane changes per mile multiplied by the deviation in speed from the flow of traffic equals the level of asshole on the road.

This formula is a great step forward in the field of Asshology, of which I consider myself an expert.

Philosophical Murder

Posted by on November 27, 2009 No comments

Man: “I can’t date a woman who smokes.  Do you smoke?”

Woman: “Only on a rare occasion.”

Man: “Then you mean to say yes.”

Woman: “Ok, wiseass.  I can’t date a man who has killed another person.  Have you killed anyone?”

Man: “Gee, I don’t know.”

How would you know?  I let that big SUV cut in front of me on the highway.  Did that give the driver the extra time needed to get to where that pedestrian was run over by a big SUV?

Cooking

Posted by on November 15, 2009 No comments

Ahhh.  I just had a great meal, and I cooked it myself.

I hear you now.  “What?  Mr. I-eat-fast-food-three-meals-a-day-and-somehow-keep-living… cooks?”  That’s right.  And on top of that, I’m good at it.  No, I’m awesome at it.  I know this because I eat what I cook, and I’m one picky bastard, so my cooking must be awesome in order to meet my standards.  Tonight it was a simple, fairly healthy meal of steak and rice.  Ok, chopped steak and rice.  Ok, it was actually hamburger and rice, only it was made so awesome it could have been steak.

Some of you might be saying, “Rice?  that’s so bland and boring.” or “I can’t eat rice, they look like maggots.”  Well, if you were eating with me, you’d be eating it because I make it right.  And I’m going to share the recipe.  There’s a special ingredient you might need to go to the store to buy, but it’s worth it.  Now, here’s the ingredient list:

  • 2 cups Rice
  • 1/4 stick of butter

Yeah, I know.  It’s awesome.  You people who think you have a bowl of maggots in front of you aren’t going to complain when that larvae is coated in a thick layer of butter.  And rice is boring?  Try eating my rice with chopsticks.  That’ll keep you busy.  And thanks to the wondrous power of butter, it’s awesome.

Now, the entrée: steak/burger/whatever.  There is a special art to seasoning beef before cooking it.  I’ve seen plenty of marinades, rubs, and spices, but I know what I like.  After all, I eat at Outback and Longhorn enough to get a taste of good seasoning.  So, here’s my custom seasoning blend for my burgers:

  • Salt

If I wasn’t already employed, I’d be opening my own restaurant.  I’m saying, it’s that good.

I remember when I first moved out and had never cooked for myself before.  It could be the reason why I eat out all the time.  But anyway, I took the time and mastered the art of cooking.  All you people who say “I’ve never cooked.  I can’t even cook a burger.  Fire scares me.”  Here’s my step-by-step instructions to cooking a burger:

  1. Shut up
  2. Buy a George Foreman grill
  3. Cook a burger

I was going to write a book on this special technique, but figured the information is better in the public domain.  If you fail to cook your burger properly, simply follow the directions again.  Pay close attention to the first step – it’s the most critical.  If you can’t get a good burger after five attempts.  Throw all your George Foreman grills away and just disregard steps 2 and 3.

I’ll have to take the time someday to explain the killer grilled cheese sandwiches I make, but I’ll close with a tip on making tea drinkable.  If you don’t like tea, it’s because you don’t have enough sugar in it.  It’s that simple.  In fact, I’ll bet you can eat concrete if you have enough butter, salt and sugar available.

Cannibal Toast Crunch

Posted by on June 29, 2009 No comments

And this past weekend I’m having lunch at a restaurant and see a commercial for Cinnamon Toast Crunch.  A couple of pieces floating in the milk, then a third piece swims around like a shark fin.  The first piece gets sucked under the surface, then the second piece frantically tries to swim away and gets pulled below.  The third piece surfaces and licks his lips.

I think I get it.  The message is that the cereal is so good it eats itself.  Cute.  Then my imagination kicked in, which never ends well.  I only wish I had the artistic skills to realize my visions.  That really would not end well.

So, cue the eerie music on a scene of a gingerbread house in the woods.  As it slowly pans in, you hear frantic, gasping breaths and some struggling.  Cut to a close scene of a Teddy Grahams bear tied to a decrepit examination table.  Pull back to see another Teddy Graham bear standing aside wearing a dirty, stained smock.  A makeshift nametag crookedly hanging on the smock reads “Dr. Ted”.

imageDr. Ted passes his hand over an assortment of sharp and pointy implements and settles on what seems to be a bone saw.  He takes the tool, places it at the wrist of the restrained bear and slowly begins sawing.  The victim screams and struggles in vain.  No blood.  They’re cookies, for god’s sake!  Ok, maybe a close-up scene of some crumbs falling to the floor and the screaming and sawing continues.

The paw has now been separated and Dr. Ted holds it up.  The victim is in shock, staring at his own sawn-off paw.  He (or she.  A female would be so much more dramatic.) musters enough strength to scream “Why are you doing this?”

Dr. Ted pauses for a second and stares blankly – as only Teddy Grahams can do.  Then a distorted smile stretches his face and he replies softly, “Because you taste…so…good.”  At which point he takes a savoring bite of the amputated cookie.  “Mmmm.”

Fade to black, then flip on a weak hanging light, flickering, showing an excessively shadowed box of Teddy Grahams seemingly trapped in a corner.  Maybe the box will shiver a little.  I don’t know. 

I suppose a lot of people wouldn’t appreciate my sense of humor.  Maybe it was because I was in a crappy mood because I got supremely drenched on the bike on the way to lunch.  Nothing catches people attention in a restaurant like a person soaked from head to toe (except I wear a helmet so my head was dry).  Ride bike=get wet.  I wonder if I should be renting myself out to some drought-stricken communities.  As long as I keep my mouth shut, I suppose I’d be fine.