A few nights ago I woke up from a dream. In the dream I was a Friend. I was on the Friends sitcom and my brain was writing an episode for me. This is what I remember from it.
Rachel was complaining about how every time she goes out to eat at a restaurant, the experience sucks. Her food is never prepared right, the service is bad, everything. Phoebe, Chandler, and I decide to go to a meal with her to see this first-hand. At the restaurant, I notice that Rachel is getting some covert attention from the men and I suggest to her that maybe people are just intimidated by her looks. She says she doesn’t get it. I say, "maybe you’re too attractive for the public good." Chandler of course takes the opposing viewpoint with sarcastic comments and Phoebe makes a non-sensical comment. So far, my brain isn’t working all that hard at developing a script. This is the standard Friends formula.
The waiter takes our orders. Phoebe, then me, then Chandler, and as Rachel starts her order, the waiter starts collecting our menus and only partially paying attention to her. When she is done, the waiter takes off without even acknowledging her order. Rachel makes a "see?!" motion and we all mutter in agreement. So it turns out that attractiveness is not Rachel’s problem. We determine it’s that she’s just too particular about her order and the staff can tell she’ll be a high-maintenance customer and tune out.
Towards the end of meal, Rachel brings up the point about her attractiveness and her intimidation factor and gets an idea. When the waiter comes back over for refills and is helping everyone else and ignoring her, she demands his attention.
"Hey, what’s your name?"
"Matt," the waiter replies.
"Matt, I’m Rachel. Would you like to go out on a date tonight?"
The waiter is startled and embarrassed, but sheepishly agrees. Rachel writes her phone number on a napkin and says, "Call me after your shift." The waiter takes the napkin and immediately refills her water and leaves. Rachel motions to the water glass and to the waiter with a "See?" expression. More muttered agreement.
The next day it is learned that Rachel and the waiter did go on a date and hooked up. Rachel makes a cringey comment about "service." Rachel, Joey and Chandler decide to go to the restaurant the next day, assuming the service will be good. At the restaurant, Matt is not working. However, Rachel is getting excessive service from all the male staff – bread, water refills, "everything ok?" checks. And everyone that stops by to help her is sure to mention their name clearly. It’s clear that Matt has spread the word to everyone how he hooked up with her. Rachel is enjoying the attention, oblivious as to why, but Chandler is being very suspicious and is especially wary about the head waiter in particular who he describes as "Stalker-pro". Chandler makes his point in Chandler fashion by reiterating his observations five different ways.
Rachel gets up to go to the restroom and stalker pro comes over to the table. He strikes up a fake conversation and casually asks what Rachel’s name is. Joey answers, "Rachel" and Chandler gives him a fierce look. Stalker pro is called away by another waiter and Chandler hisses at him that this guy is definitely stalking Rachel and don’t give him any more information. Stalker pro comes back and apologizes. He clarifies her name is Rachel and asks what her last name is. Joey starts to say, "Gree" and Chandler kicks him under the table. Joey pivots and finishes with "Greetings".
"Her name is Rachel Greetings?", Stalker pro asks.
Chandler and Joey both confirm it, to stalker’s confusion. Just then Rachel returns from the bathroom and stalker welcomes her. "Hello, miss… greetings."
Rachel looks a little confused and replies, "Greetings." and Joey and Chandler both exclaim, "Greetings!" Stalker is as confused as ever and leaves.
At the end of the meal, Rachel is thrilled by how everything has been perfect and how much attention she has gotten. When the check comes, delivered by stalker, she offers to pay. "I’ll just put it on my card."
Stalker looks a little victorious and says, "May I see your ID?" As Rachel starts to instinctively look for her ID, Chandler interrupts, "No, we can’t let you pay for this meal!" And what follows is formula Friends – Joey and Chandler making up a reason why Rachel can’t pay for the meal that of course makes no sense.
And that’s when the dream started to fall apart. Probably due to the lack of anything interesting coming out of my brain. This stuff sort of writes itself.
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