I don’t get sick. The last time I mentioned getting sick was four and a half years ago. I described it as a “nasty cold”. In fact, that old post is talking about deviation, and my time for a major deviation was due.
I’ve been to the Sick AF Theme Park and I always manage to get out without going on any rides. Well, sometimes I end up on some of the kiddie rides like Shit Yo’self or The Dehydrator, and I’ll get on with my life. The bigger rides always kind of spooked me. This time, I must’ve gotten lost trying to get out because I ended up in line for the #2 ride in the whole park – IN-FLUUUUU-ENZA EXTREME. And let me tell you, it’s a long fucking ride. (Since I’m writing this now, I can say that I’m lucky to have not gotten on the #1 ride, Nu-Moan YAAAAAAAA.)
Day 0 – Wed
Getting ready to go to bed and out of nowhere a large sneezing fit hits me. A little later in bed, a second fit strikes. This starts my sinuses draining like mad. They drip into my throat all night. Ticket for one? Thank you, climb aboard.
Day 1 – Thurs
At work, the entire place is full of coughing and sneezing. I guess I got on board just in time. By the end of the day, my plan for when I get home is: sleep, eat soup, sleep more. When I do get home, I feel terrible. A different terrible, a foreboding feeling that something is not right this time. I check my temperature and it’s 99.6. Half an hour later it’s 99.9. I call my boss and take the next day off work.
And here’s the other huge issue with this. The next day, I am going on a trip to see my mom in her new nursing home digs. At this point, I’m optimistic I can bounce back enough to make a safe trip.
Throughout the night, my fever continues to climb, broaching 101. This is all new to me. I don’t get sick. Oh, first time rider? Have fun and enjoy. You’re going to remember this one.
Day 2 – Fri
Fever is hovering in the 101 range. Every joint and muscle in my body hurts. Even sometimes my skin hurts to the touch. I put on a brave face and go out to infect the world. I get some Dimetapp and Halls from Walgreens, a small pizza from Hungry Howies, and some Gatorade from Dollar General. I’m good. But I’m not. The smell of the pizza is turning my stomach and one tiny bite was spit right back out. Big ol waste of money.
Around 5pm, I capitulated and went to the Urgent Care. The receptionist took my information and commented, “Boy, you haven’t been here in a long time!” I said, “I know, I don’t get sick, but when I do, I do it with style.” My time there was short and I wasn’t admitted or anything. I got an Rx for a flu med, 10 doses over 5 days. Five days! I go back home and over the next 36 hours or so, I got to experience all the wonderful twists and turns in this insane devil ride.
For me, being under a constant fever gave my brain license to do whatever it wanted. And this is what I got. When I was unconscious, I was in some sort of disaster zone, providing help. All the rubble was black blocks (there’s more to it, but it’s too weird to describe). I had a special power that whenever I coughed, I could demolish a partially collapsed building. When I was more awake, it was kind of the same, except everything was white, not black. As time went on and my condition improved, so did the disaster. Then I had to start dealing with situations like “There are reports of water at this other camp, but we can’t tell anyone because they will overwhelm that camp.”
And everyone should be happy that I did not get on the plane. Everyone except my wallet. $600, everything nonrefundable. But I would literally be the grim reaper walking into a nursing home in my condition. Do something good for once, you dickhead. Don’t kill people.
Day 3 – Sat
My second full day of absolutely nothing. Probably 22 hours in bed. Can’t get up. Can’t eat. Only sleeping in 1-2 blocks, which involves the inescapable scenario of fixing a disaster scene. But at some point in the afternoon, I woke up and my fever broke (high score: 103.3). I recognized this because I was sopping wet. My clothes were soaked the whole way through and sweat running down my arms. That’s something that hasn’t happened to me even in my most careless hiking jaunts in the summer heat. My joint and muscle pain is gone, but something was traded for that relief. Now I have a pain that feels exactly like someone folding your ear cartilage. It doesn’t fade in and out, it’s a sharp, piercing pain that makes me convulse. And it comes along about every 15 seconds. Minute after minute, hour after hour. Sometimes it will pause long enough for me to get a small window of sleep, but it is relentless.
With the clearing of my fever, my continuing struggle in the disaster zone literally turned into an empty field. I think that’s a good thing? Anyway, good ride so far. Lots of unexpected surprises. What else ya got?
Day 4 – Sun
My fever is gone, but I’m still sweaty and temperature sensitive. My joints and muscles are not sore, but I’m weak. I haven’t really eaten anything in days. Looks like I lost about 7 pounds. I’m still laying around in bed, because I can’t do anything else. I can’t really sleep because of the constant ear stabbing. So I decide to listen to some recent CD purchases I hadn’t played yet. That was a pleasant reprieve. Then I picked out another song from a different album to play. It’s a favorite of mine – happy, joyful, and executed exceedingly well. When the song started playing, for absolutely no good reason, I started crying uncontrollably. I took a while to compose myself and clear out my sinuses (SO much!), but when I would think of the song again, I would start sobbing again. And again. And later on yet, again. What the fuck is wrong with me?
I reprise my earlier soup extravaganza, which is probably the most I’ve eaten since this started. I tried a burger for lunch so I could get some protein for some energy. Just a couple bites. Pathetic.
Now my sleep patterns are all messed up. Didn’t get tired until 2 in the morning. Even then, I only slept in 1-2 hour blocks, like I had been. I’d either wake up soaked in sweat, or with pain in my chest from sinus drain. It’s ridiculous.
Day 5 – Mon
Thanks for riding. I hope you enjoyed it. No, thank you for letting me get the fuck off the ride without dying.
Now, an attempt to return to normalcy, although I know in reality it will probably be a couple of weeks to get back to the way things were. Cleaning the sick bedding, cleaning the sick house, realizing I don’t have a lot of energy available to do any of this for extended periods. I break out in sweats easily. I tried a small meal at Panera and had to actually take my time and eat. Like every bite took a few minutes to settle. And people thought I ate slowly before… oh boy.
What a long-ass post. Six days wrapped up in a stupid story. I should have live-blogged the whole event, or maybe death-blogging would be more apropos. Next time I think I’m dying, I’ll try that.
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