I Might As Well Get In On This

I don’t watch a whole lot of movies, so when I do, and it sucks, I’m not pleased.  Movies where only the beginning and end matters; movies that can be summed up in a couple of sentences; movies that have tons of buildup and a bullshit resolution.  I can do this.

My movie is in the apocalyptic genre.  Like War of the Worlds, in which (spoiler) the aliens die because they have AIDS.  No really, they don’t have the antibodies for things our immune system battles daily.  That’s a bullshit copout.  Like Signs, where the aliens (spoiler) are allergic to water.  Really?  What kind of h2o-adverse alien race is dumb enough to plan an invasion of a planet that is 70% covered with water, inhabited by beings that are made up of 60% water, and where the atmosphere rains… water.  These are movies that are just full of “duh”, so here’s my plotline.  It’s really short, because this is all that really matters.  Just fill the middle with people stressing out and world governments holding important meeting.

So anyway, some oceanographer discovers something strange.  Something huge has been discovered deep in the sea.    They’ve never explored this deep before and now they’ve found something new.  But it’s big and unknown.  There’s a scary moment and the undersea probe is lost. (This is probably the meat of the TV commercial)

The team reports their findings to the government, because that’s what they do and government has to know everything.  Obviously, the scientists are not believed (cliché).  However, they get funding for another probe and go back.  This new probe survives a little longer and they get video footage of sea monsters.  Yes, more than one.  They present their findings and in a solemn moment, the government leader determines that this means war.

Then there’s a whole bunch of dumb stuff, like exaggerated use of the Internet between scientists who corroborate their findings, since these monsters have been found in other deep sea areas.  Military intrusion into civilian life (another good cliché) and the regular updates that there are more monsters and they are coming closer.  Maybe some morality message about misunderstanding other creatures or how we invaded their turf first.

Then at the end, the monsters never make it because they are used to living in the deep sea under massive atmospheric pressure and when they near the surface, they die because of loss of pressure.  Oops, I guess their invasion didn’t work out.  And on top of that, while everyone’s focused on the fear of these monsters and how many they are and how big they are, there’s really not much to be afraid of.  They’re sea monsters.  We live on the land.  They can’t get us.  So a double-duh for the hapless audience.

This could make me millions.  Really, this stuff isn’t hard when you look at the competition.

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